Something I've learned about marriage

Eph 4:32 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

I must admit, Valentines is one of my favorite holidays; I think it is because I really am a hopeless romantic at heart. Valentines is also a time when I stop and reflect on my marriage. How am I doing in demonstrating my love for my wife? How is our relationship; is it healthy, is it not healthy? Over the course of Kellie and my nearly eighteen years of marriage and twenty years of being together there is one thing that we have learned that has sustained our relationship and our love and affection for one another; that one thing is grace.

I believe most people go into marriage with love blinders on. Kellie and I certainly did. We think our spouse is wonderful and can do no wrong. We brush over their faults thinking mistakenly that we will be able to change them later or we see them as cute quirks that they have, but we don’t understand how those things will wear on a relationship after years of being together.

After being married to an individual for a period of time we discover that the ones we love so much have the ability to hurt us. They know us so well that they can say things that cut us to the core of who we are. They see all of the inconsistencies in our lives and will call them out from time to time; this can really sting.

They themselves are not perfect and disappoint us, hurt our feelings, take us for granted, do stupid things that we have to pay for because we are united to them. Both individuals in a marriage will do these types of things innumerous times over the course of a marriage.
They do not do it maliciously, most of the time; they just do it because they are flawed.

It’s part of the human condition. Each of us desires close relationship. It’s hard wired into our hearts. We desire to have someone to love and for someone to love us. Unfortunately we are all broken. There’s something in the human condition that’s not quite right. So that experience of love and loving someone else doesn’t come easy. It’s hard because try as we might, none of us is perfect and we all hurt the ones we love. This human condition, our brokenness, the Bible tells us is a result of our rebellion to God. It’s sin. None of us can escape it, its part of our human condition.

Yet there is a way that two broken people with a propensity to hurt each other can live together, keep their love intact, and actually grow closer to one another and more loving through time. It is a way that finds its fullest expression through Jesus love for us on the cross. The way is called grace.

Kellie and I learned early on that because we both had such strong domineering personalities that we were going to hurt each others feelings often, not intentionally, but we just would. We decided to keep short accounts with one another. We decided to always live in grace. Kellie may hurt my feelings, she may make me angry, she may get so task driven that she forgets to give all the attention my little heart desires, but it’s O.K. I forgive her for not being perfect, and in reality she has to offer much more grace to me than I could ever dream of offering her. But it’s this grace, this laying down of offenses, this choosing not to hold a grudge or to demand justice for all the wrongs that has allowed us to stay in love all these years, and to not only stay in love but for our love for one another to actually grow.

Why? Because we are able to concentrate on the things we find fascinating and endearing about each other instead of focusing on the hurt or woundedness that sometimes occurs as a result of being so close.

You know I thought I loved her when I was twenty-one, but I love her so much more at forty and grace has been the key. This Valentines Day I encourage you to make a new commitment to grace in your marriage; to not hold on to the wrongs but to live in a state of forgiveness.